Vallomások

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Vallomások

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A gyerek tudja

Egy nap vásárlás közben a fiam azt mondta nekem: „Anya, vegyünk nekem egy játékautót, neked pedig egy üveget, jó?”.

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A gyerek úgyse vesz észre semmit

„Minden alkalommal, amikor részegen jöttem haza, felvettem a napszemüvegemet, hogy elrejtsem a részegségemet. A 3 éves fiam mindig odajött, hogy levegye rólam. Láttam a szomorúságot a szemében, amikor meglátta, hogy megint ittam”.

A gyerekeim nem akartak többé látni

„A fiam több mint egy évig nem akart látni, a lányom pedig egy évben csak kétszer, és akkor is csak az anyámmal együtt. Ez annyira szörnyű volt, nagyon szenvedtem. Annyira szerettem volna újra az életük része lenni, de nem engedték. Aztán leveleket írtam, egyszer magamról és a történtekről, bocsánatot kérve tőlük, máskor pedig megírtam a jelenlegi életemet és azt, hogy hogyan javulok. Kérdezősködtem róluk, megtartottam a kevés információt az életükről, és megemlítettem, mennyire vágytam rájuk. De mindig meg akartam mutatni, hogy bár mérhetetlenül örülnék, ha hallanék felőlük, de arra szánják rá időt, amire szeretnék. Aztán egyszer a lányom elkezdett válaszolni. Amikor megkaptam a levelét, nagyon meghatódtam. Karácsonyra és a születésnapokra is adtam nekik ajándékot. Szerencsére ott volt a család, a nagyszülők és a nagynénik, akik vigyáztak rájuk.

Határozottan hittem benne, türelmesen és megértéssel vártam, és most már majdnem egy éve helyreállt a kapcsolatunk. Eleinte lassan, óvatosan, de folyamatosan halad előre. És úgy élvezem a velük töltött időt, mint még soha.”

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A lányom felelősséget vállalt értem

„Amikor a hónap elején újra volt pénzem, megkérdeztem a lányomat a boltban, hogy választ-e valamilyen képes újságot, azt mondta nekem: – Nem, anyu, különben megint nem lesz pénzünk. Nem akarok semmit! – Nagyon szégyelltem magam, és nagyon szomorú lettem. Ebben a pillanatban rájöttem, hogy valami nem stimmel. A kislányom úgy gondoskodott rólunk, ahogyan nem neki kellett volna.”

Amikor eljutottam arra a felismerésre, hogy a gyerekeket el kell helyeznem valahol

„Amikor a kórházban töltött időre másokra bíztam a gyerekeimet, azt hittem, hogy néhány hónap múlva megoldom a problémámat, és újrakezdhetem velük az életet.

Az elvonás után terápiát akartam kezdeni, ami sajnos nem sikerült, mert visszaestem, és ezért nem voltam elég stabil ehhez az intézményhez. Nagy gödörbe estem. A gyerekek jó kezekben voltak, de nem az enyémben, a terápiához az erő és az eufória elfogyott, lakás és pénz nem volt. Mentem lefelé a lejtőn, nem tudtam mit tegyek. Így hát oda mentem, ahol ingyen kaja volt, ahol hasonló gondolkodású emberekkel találkoztam, akik megértettek. Ekkor jöttem rá, hogy a gyerekeimet hosszú időre másoknál kell elhelyeznem. Kudarcot vallottam. Így láttam magam. Mindvégig az az egy kérdés járt a fejemben: Jól törődtem a gyerekeimmel?”

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Apa

„Nem szeretném, ha a gyerekeim olyannak látnának, amilyennek nekem kellett látnom az apámat.”

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